Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Totally non-craft related....

Can't sleep, it's already after midnight and I feel like I'm in full melt-down mode. This afternoon I go for my biopsy on three lymph node tumors that were just one six weeks ago, and the pain which was a dull throb now prevents me from sitting straight up in a chair or bending over to pick stuff up. I'm scared. I know to many people, and I've lost too many people to the big C. Now the thought of me having it just sends me reeling. As if I didn't have enough going on with my heart that we've got to tack this on as well. Sisters in faith I ask that you do not shower me with platitudes of 'God doesn't give me more than I can handle', or the ever so popular 'God is just testing me'.  I'm sorry, my God, my Jesus is not a spiteful creature who tortures His subjects to test their faith. My God is a compassionate God who sent His son to die for me, who has given the blessing of unconditional love and grace if I just believe, follow, and act justly in His name. Knowing His arms are around me, cradling me, just makes me feel better. Knowing that I have a wonderful husband upstairs that's willing to walk through this possible fire with me (once again, and always) calms my heart. Knowing that I have friends and family out there with prayers in their hearts and candles lit.... such a blessing. I am blessed. I don't know what tomorrow's outcome will be, but as I write this I know that I can handle it. I've destroyed the definitions of mental illness and have not let it define me, I have and will continue to fight the demons of addiction and substance abuse, and I will forever remain a survivor. God's not done with me yet. "I know the plans I have for you, plans to prosper..." Jeremiah 29:11. My faith journey  has been rocky at best for the past couple of years. As I have been writing this, I've also been conversing with an amazing and brave woman all the way out in India. She has been the spiritual leader for Indian women converting from Hindu and Islam to Christianity. It's a hard and brave decision to do such, to leave the faith of your birth to put your faith into something else. Risking loss of family, and in some cases, loss of life.  Sigh.... I am going to tie this up for now, I have things to wrap up before tomorrow.

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