Saturday, February 13, 2016

Never post when you're upset....

Like in the movie 'Groundhog Day'....'Don't drive angry'... don't post when you're upset either, that can open up a whole can of worms one is not prepared to deal with.  This has been a horrid week, a terrible start to the new year. I'm starting to feel like the girl who slept with the homecoming queen's boyfriend... and I'm getting bitch slapped by the powers that be. As a woman of faith I know in my heart that I'm not being 'tested by God' or that 'God doesn't give me anymore than I can handle'... those two well meaning phrases just send me over the edge. My God is a loving God and certainly wouldn't put anyone through what I've been through the last six months. This week I sought solace in one of my favorite website's crafting message boards... and got a somewhat icy reception. Something I wasn't emotionally prepared for. The ladies on that board did not know my situation, and it's not their responsibility to know the life stories of all those registered on that board. Just not realistic. Yet, being the emotional mess I am right now I needed to hear an INSTANT word of comfort. Something. When that something did not come in true alcoholic behavior fashion (I WANT IT AND I WANT IT RIGHT NOW!!!) I lashed out.  Not good. Some who knew me from my past postings on the board (I had not been around in a while) PM'd me later on and were like ...ok what's up, we know something's going on. Well...

Ok, so the 411, early last month David discovered a nodule on my lower belly while helping me get EKG goo off of me. He asked me if it hurt I said yes. I thought it was from the Lovanox shots in the hospital. Pain got worse so I went to urgent care where they did an ultrasound which showed two fluid filled lymph nodes, relatively harmless. They said they'd go away in about a week along with the pain. Wrong. Now three nodules, larger and more pain. I have a biopsy this coming Tuesday at Interventional Radiology with Sutter. The big word that scared me was when Julie said she wants to rule out Lymphoma, the big C. Yup. I'm scared. I'm in God's hands and the capable hands of Sutter's Dr.'s and nurses. Yeah, and I thought all this medical drama crap was behind me.

This is what I'm dealing with, and the thought of the 'Big C' has me wigging.  I feel pretty lost and scared. I am so thankful that David has today off, he's been swamped at work and has had to work Saturdays so this is a blessing. Friends, hug your family, hug someone. Love. That's what this weekend is all about... love. Love is all you need, John Lennon.

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